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Counseling Together

Therapeutic Collaborative Conversations  

Individual, Couples, Marriage, and Family Therapy

Jarfa Amirghahari Wabs, M.A. LMFT

(949) 357-0333

Counseling Together


"Perfection" and its many empty promises!

Posted on February 10, 2015 at 6:08 AM
Most of us are way too familiar with "perfection" and its expectations of us as woman, as mothers, as wives. Even our husbands and children are not exempt from the ugly grips that perfection tends to have on them. So how far are we willing to go?

If you are like most of us, you must have had some recent goals, maybe even new years resolutions that are burning you up inside because you are now counting the days to attain them and not only attain them very soon, but do so "perfectly!"

In my practice, I see so many people who have a daily battle with "perfection" and on most days, they "feel like a failure"... or so they express....the anxiety that is caused by the presents of perfection is immense to say the least!

But why all the pressures to measure up, to attain the unthinkable? the "superwoman", "supermom", "superman" and now even "wonder kids" who defy human nature and never make mistakes or have lazy days, or are even able to step away from their 4+ hours of homework...everything other than "perfection" is perceived as "lazy" by society these days

These extremes are a dangerous breading ground for more of the same...the line of "perfection" virtually never ends.... it gets pushed further and further out... and we wonder why our bodies have been shutting down and our adrenals have screamed at us to stop..
We joke about the amount of caffeine we need to survive this race and yet (we know inside that there is no end in site) No amount of caffeine can guarantee an end to this madness of measurement!

Maybe its time we think about the empty "promises" perfection makes to us daily...
1. "If you don't do something perfectly, someone else will" (the trick is this is a never ending process of a false/perceived end, who is actually going to do anything perfectly? and what does "perfectly" even mean, its all based on your expectation of it)
2. "If you don't push yourself, you are lazy" (Okay Moms, I want to ask you how many of you think of yourself as "lazy"? How many days have you said to yourself, "it is what it is today, i can't do anymore than i am doing" i wonder is that is considered lazy to your husbands? how about friends and family? or to the moms in your groups or neighborhoods? You might secretly feel ashamed or guilty for having a house that is not model perfect or a closet that is out of Vogue or maybe even as small as not doing dishes that you set out to do today) You might even lie to your friends that you did all the things you were supposed to today to avoid the shaming that goes on when things don't appear "perfect"
3. "If we don't push our kids, they will be lazy or will not be successful" (We are in a time that our toddlers are starting to develop performance anxiety with what used to be seen as fun projects. Our kids have so much more anxiety and "fears of failure" than ever before...
do I need to say anything more? This is a world we have created for them)
4. "If we don't work ourselves to the point of exhaustion, we haven't worked hard enough, hence we will not succeed"
(the stress rate on both men and women is rising by the minute as we hamster our way to the top of organizations while we might any day have a heart attack from the lack of balance and rest or better yet, not enjoy the fruits of our labors because we are exhausted and sick)
5. "Perfection is Competition and Competition is what America was built on"
(This idea is so ingrained in us that most of us will refuse to admit the potential damage this can cause to us or our families and the future of our kids. No one is saying competition is bad, but to instill that "perfection" is the only way to compete or have success is like saying, "go find the yellow unicorn on the soccer field and bring it back to me or else you have failed" It is no wonder that so many young people and even older people end up with these false promises of perfect that affect every aspect of their young lives!

What if "Perfection" for humans is a lie, a myth, a false sense of achievement created by society to send us on a wild goose chase?

Can women and men have a chance to just be good parents versus "perfect parents"? or is that something hard to even imagine in Orange County? With all the expectations we have of our selves and of each other, its no wonder that most of you will be reading this blog along with checking your email, posting a picture on Instagram, browsing through your news feed on Facebook, looking for new ways to be a better mom on Pinterest (making more and more boards to pin on because you don't want to miss a beat on being a better craft mom, better cook for the husband, or hottest mom with the most trendiest clothes, oh and of course pinning new workout routines to do during the 15 minutes a day you might have for yourselves and while you are at it, add to the list (showering, cooking, cleaning, dieting, working, doing laundry, and the list goes on and on...

What would we do if we didn't have all of these expectations for our selves to "run our own universe of fabulousness and perfection" How much time would we gain back in our day for ourselves and our family if we just could accept being less than perfect?"

we could actually have time to breath! 

awww.... I feel the heavy weights lifting off already....    

Categories: Communication, Counples Therapy, Counseling, Counseling, Therapy, idea sharing, Couples Counseling, differences between couples, Different points of view, Family Thearpy, Grief Therapy, ideas, Life Change

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